Just This Side of Normal

I never thought I’d be a fan of “social networking”. When MySpace became the rage, I didn’t really see the point. It seemed geared to mostly teenagers or bands wanting to promote their music and most pages I’d seen were horribly cluttered, disorganized and hard to read. It just wasn’t for me. Twitter was another one that I thought was completely stupid when it first came out. I totally didn’t see the point of getting constant one sentence updates about somebody. Are people really that bored?

But since messing around on Facebook and admittedly Twitter too, I can see why so many people have latched on. It certainly makes it easier to stay in touch with someone than picking up a phone or even sending an e-mail. I don’t think I’ll ever have a MySpace page though. I still don’t like the layouts.

The hardest adjustment was coming to terms with the fact that ANYBODY can find you on those sites, fairly easily. I generally prefer the internet for most things because of its anonymity and ease of use. But these sites have changed the game. Granted, I could not participate and go back to enjoying my anonymity. But for now at least, it’s a small sacrifice. Well, at least until the wrong person finds me….

This is hardly a new scenario in my life, but I have misjudged a situation. The overreacting pessimistic side of me went into hyper mode and I immediately concluded that Geoff would misinterpret what he read here and pass judgment on me. I assumed that he would jump to conclusions about my life as it is now and that this would ruin whatever picture he had of me back then. Perhaps I shouldn’t care what people think of me, especially people I haven’t seen for over 15 years, but I do and that possibility bothered me.

But it turns out Geoff has always remained a decent human being. It seems he hasn’t let continually drawing the short straw jade him. He is still a good listener and attempts to offer advice, as good friends do. I hope he will remain my friend, even once he realizes how horribly flawed I am. In a weird way, it allayed my fears some to learn that his life hasn’t been a walk in the park either.

This entire experience has taught me a great deal though about how immature and judgmental I was back then. I probably still am to some degree, but I have definitely been humbled. I was by no means a bully or picked on anyone relentlessly, but I’m sure I said my fair share of mean things to Geoff, who was only trying to be my friend. I hope he doesn’t hold any of that against me.

The sad part is that I was picked on and teased more than I care to admit so why would I put someone else through that? The only answer I have is immaturity. I was young and stupid and didn’t have the foresight to see what it could do to someone. I suppose that’s a lesson everybody learns eventually. I just wish I could have learned it sooner.

One Less Reason - “A Day to be Alone”
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April is Autism Awareness month and since this cause is obviously so dear to me, I figured I should post about it. I suppose until you’ve been there, until you know someone with autism, you can’t fully grasp the impact that it has on people’s lives. What really pisses me off is that insurance companies have basically written us off, claiming that there’s nothing you can do for autism and that therapies like ABA aren’t proven to help. What crap! I only wish we were rich because I would have my boys in ABA therapy in a heartbeat if it didn’t cost more than we make. Unfortunately, I think this is the case for a lot of autistic families and I hope that all the legislation going around that would force insurance companies to pay for autism actually get off the ground. It’s far overdue.

I found an Autism Awareness video last night that outlines the statistics and struggles associated with autism. It’s very eye-opening. More »

I made the most colossal error in the world of blogging - I used real names. This is fine I suppose if you don’t mind the world knowing about your life but when you would rather remain anonymous, using real names is a big fat no-no. I should have known this. After all, I’m not an amateur blogger. I’ve had at least one, sometimes several, blogs at any given time over the last probably 5 or 6 years. Problem is, when you use real names, then it’s far too easy for someone to find you. Well, someone found me.

I suppose I shouldn’t make this into a bigger deal than it is. After all, that time in my life was a long time ago and I’m not the same person anymore. This blog is not representative of my life as a whole. It’s just a very small piece of me, but it’s very easy to judge somebody on this small piece alone. I tend to use this blog as more of a diary, a place to turn when I need to vent or complain. Therefore, there’s not a whole lot positive going on here generally.

I won’t go into all the details, but basically someone from my childhood (you know who you are) found my blog and found me on Facebook. It’s not that I have a problem with this person at all. He was a good friend to me back then. There were probably times that I wasn’t the nicest I could have been to him, but I hope those aren’t the main memories he has of me. The problem I have is that now his image of me will be skewed by what he reads here. It’s not the clean slate I would ideally hope for. And there’s probably things in here I would never have shared otherwise.

I obviously have to rethink this whole blog thing and consider going back to notebook paper. But that’s just not nearly as fun.

Things have been pretty crappy around here for me lately (gee, what else is new?). Keith’s been officially laid off so now the burden of making ends meet has been placed squarely on my shoulders since anything he makes will get taken straight out of his unemployment check. Maybe it’s the stress of everything or the medicine I’m on or whatever, but it just seems like every little thing gets to me lately. I nearly freaked out yesterday when my scale broke. What’s the big deal? It’s just a scale, right? But I just added it to the “everything that’s gone wrong” pile. It’s all just building and building and not letting up for even one day. Cue depressing music.
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Whoever decided I could handle being the mom of two autistic boys was so mistaken. Some days are alright but then there’s days like today when I just want to run away. As they get older (and bigger), it becomes more apparent to me how much more difficult raising them becomes. I always pictured them living with us forever, but I see now that that’s probably not practical. Before long, I won’t be able to handle them on my own.
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Digital Summer - “Worth The Pain”
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One Less Reason - “If You Want Me”
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I haven’t written anything in a while because things have been overwhelming for me lately. Actually, I’m making this a dual post because I just don’t have the energy to do this twice. Brace yourself because this might be a long one.

This last month has been really crappy. My grandpa died and while I wasn’t as close to him as I would’ve liked to have been, it was still upsetting and stressful and I’m glad all that drama is over. Then there’s all the stress of being broke as hell and on the verge of getting behind on bills because of all the unpaid days off Keith’s had and now Keith will probably be laid off by the end of the month. I’m so sick of crunching numbers and doing calculations trying to figure out how to stay afloat.

In the midst of all that, I’ve been trying to improve my health and I thought I was doing okay for a while until the weight just stopped coming off. The stress probably didn’t help, but I persevered and when I got nowhere after four weeks even after decreasing my calorie intake, I went to the doctor. I remember a thyroid test I’d had done over a year ago that showed I was borderline high so I figured I’d get it checked again. More »